Tuesday, March 29
she didn't style her hair at
all today. can you just hear me whining? haha. guess what. it's easier to forget her when she insists on wearing that silver hairband.. she looks okay, but not fantastic. so yeah. anyway real workload's coming soon, i've gotta stop mooning around.
my new classmates seem okay. keyword: seem. i am cynical. and therefore i will say that first impressions are not neccesarily correct. sure they might turn out as nice as they seem, but what if they don't? so i shall wait and see before judging anyone. people show their true colours under pressure. you know mine.
thought about what jan said. i don't want to forget how to smile, how to be happy. i won't stop myself from being happy anymore. i will never forget st. marg's. i will never forget 4/6. i will never forget any one of you, or a single second of our memories.. but darlings when God says it's time to move on, then it's time to move on. i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so much. and i miss you more and more each day. but i can't lose myself anymore. i need me back. the me who could smile. i'm taking a big risk, opening myself up. but i cannot lose myself.
i love you. j'aime et j'espere. i love and i hope. that we will always be friends forever.
it must've been love.
7:39 pm
xoxo
Monday, March 28
funny how often i fall apart. read jan's letter just now and started smiling to myself and tearing for no reason.. and it wasn't all that touching.. except i realised anew how i'm no longer myself. listen, if i kill myself, do you think the real me, the me i am inside will come back as a ghost? then you'll still have me. the old me, the real me, the me who knew how to smile, knew how to be happy. what say?
i love you.. this world's so cold and empty and i wanna fly away, fly far far away.. being a dyke's oh so fun but wrong.
it must've been love.
10:46 pm
xoxo
Sunday, March 27
staring into space as usual. just a little more more.. today wasn't a fantastic day. i guess cos there's school tmr? this is odd. i know i'll be seeing her.. but i'd rather forgo those few mintues of happiness for an entire day of unequitable lazy joy. =D i know last week i said i'd forget her in a week right? well fat hope, my time is up and i still like her. therefore i've come to the conclusion that i must let this sort of thing fade naturally.. hah! i know it will.. i'm perfectly confident of that.. but i wonder which unfortunate soul will come next.
i've just spent the last few hours digging out stuff for my portfolio and arranging stuff and crapping out stuff abt the pieces. verdict - why do i even bother? i don't think i'm interested in writing anymore. i haven't written anything except that crappy icarus poem all year. hc is not a condusive writing place. besides, i'm going through this negative-emotions spot.. and all i really ever want to do is sleep and listen to sad love songs and think about what cannot be. i guess i liked writing in the past. but i guess i've lost it. i can't write emotive pieces anymore. because i can't really remember what it's like to have subtle naunces of feelings anymore. all i feel are rushes and rages that alternate between burning rage and sweet moments of infatuation. i guess i'm just not willing to be the only untalented gung-ho person in my supposed arts class to go for this kind of literary thing. because. i'm just aiming to be a wallpaper flower.. blend in.. be forgotten.. forget.. exist.. it's a crime and i'm a criminal.. i know it's easter but i can't bring myself to care.. i want to sleep til forever. just sleep and dream and dream and know that in dreams anything can happen, you can turn back time, there are no rules.
i think being friends with her would be very nice indeed. not least because i like her hair. but because she seems to have a nice personality.
i'm a total mess. shoot me, why don't you? spare the world from this deranged fool. how nice it would be to just walk out of life. the way you'd walk out of a room. just a little more affection, cos i don't think it's a sin.. skin on skin. i love that song. but how come i feel so dead even when it plays? i need some excitment in my boring life. maybe tmr i'll see her and it'll be the perfect monday morning perk-me-up. hah i wish. it's nice to play with scissors.
it must've been love.
8:01 pm
xoxo
Saturday, March 26
Skin On Skin - Sarah ConnerIntro
Just a little bit more love
Just a little bit more passion
This is how it should begin
Skin on skin
Verse 1
If you leave me now
Telling me you failed somehow
Better think it all over
Just as long as love's around
Here's a true romance
Be aware and take your chance
Tomorrow I'm gonna leave you
But I am here for you tonight
Bridge
Every single day I want you to know
My love is true
So baby let me show you what to do
Chorus
Just a little bit more love
Just a little bit more passion
This is how it should begin
Skin on skin
Just a little getting close
Just a little more affection
'Cause I don't think it's a sin
Skin on skin
Don't you know that this game is to play
Just as long as it's time
Can't you see that my heart's gotta know
When you're gonna be mine
Just a little bit more love
Just a little more love
Verse 2
So we better get it on
What is here will soon be gone
When the leaves are falling
Then maybe we could fall apart
Bridge 2
And there may come a time
When you will forget
My love is true
So baby let me show you what to do
Chorus
Just a little bit more love
Just a little bit more passion
This is how it should begin
Skin on skin
Just a little getting close
Just a little more affection
'Cause I don't think it's a sin
Skin on skin
Don't you know that this game is to play
Just as long as it's time
Can't you see that my heart's gotta know
When you're gonna be mine
Just a little bit more love
Just a little bit more passion
This is how it should begin
Skin on skin
Just a little getting close
Just a little more affection
'Cause I don't think it's a sin
Skin on skin
Don't you know that this game is to play
Don't you know, don't you know that it's time
Can't you see that my heart's gotta know
When you're gonna be mine
Just a little more love
Just a little more
Just a little more
A little more, a little more
Just a little more love
Just a little more passion
Ooh skin on skin
[yay i love this song!!!! =D it's really sad though. why do all love songs have to be sad? just got back from playing at sentosa with the ex-PLs. =D mellie and i took our shirts off and went into the water.. then lay around on the rocks like mermaids. haha. i haven't tanned much though. i need to lose weight, then i'll get a bikini intead of playing in the water in my sports bra. had lots of fun today =D hee. all that eating!! delifrance then cotton candy and steamed corn.. pity the monorail closed down though.. having chinese tuition in three hours.. kinda tired. it was our first year anniversary since AE. and sadly, we'll miss this year's AE cos three of us will be at some crappy UH thing. what the hell larh. nevermind we'll help the day/night before as well as setting up.. that's the best we can do.. i thought i saw
her at sentosa today.. then after much staring closely i realised that girl didn't really look like her.. i was so scared it'd be her.. cos she was wearing a hot pink racer back!! after what jean and vank told me last night about how maybe she's just following what seems to be the trend in kranji.. well.. please please please be the person i think you are.. and that i've heard you are.. articulate, smart and funny. argh.]
it must've been love.
5:04 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, March 23
INFP
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, quitter, lonely, rule breaker, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, no self confidence, emotionally moody, feels defective, fails to complete work on time, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, sad, dreams about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, acts without thinking, private, uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, pro-weed legalization, sabotages self, likes the rain, can't control fearful thoughts, cries easily, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, submissive, easily discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not prepared, feels victimized, easily confused, irresponsible, pessimistic
favored careers:
poet, painter, freelance artist, musician, writer, art therapist, teacher (art, music, drama), songwriter, art historian, library assistant, composer, work in the perfoming arts, art curator, playwrite, bookseller, cartoonist, video editor, photographer, philosopher, record store owner, digital artist, cinematographer, costume designer, film producer, philosophy professor, librarian, music therapist, enviromentalist, movie director, activist, bookstore owner, filmmaker
disfavored careers:
business professional, manager, executive, administrator, business owner, supervisor, office manager, business analyst, financial analyst, public relations manager, ceo, executive assistant, judge, event coordinator, lawyer, office worker
[see tell my parents. i shouldn't be a lawyer. going crazy waiting for jean's results. why are they taking so long??? can't they post the results online like ordinary people? i am truly going insane. strangely if it were me i wouldn't care. but it's her.. and the phone just rang, what the bleep, i nearly died.. arghh arghhh arghh please God i'll do anything. i'll force myself to forget peiyi. i'll do anything. please don't let her go to sa and be wasted there. i thought she'd come and join jan and me and we'd be happy happy as always but the thought that it might not come true is tearing me apart.. jan's so happy.. i'm not.. i guess i can never be.. why God.. maybe she needs to do smth in sa.. some duty to fulfil, some mission. and i'm stuck in hc because i need to do something too. maybe something alone. i am scared. please please please. i am going nuts. i'll give up by midnight and start on my essay due tmr. history. again. i can't take it. ]
it must've been love.
9:01 pm
xoxo
it must've been love.
8:24 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, March 22
stoning away, thinking about went on today.. it was a peculiar day. i guess i'll go thematically. =D if there's such a word. anyway. i was carrying so many things to school today that i accidentally left my phone in the car on the way to school and therefore felt very crippled the entire day. every time i wanted to call jean or anyone, i had to borrow someone's phone. i pity their bills because i can be very long winded. haha.
results - rushed to the board when the postings were put up. had a tough time finding my i/c number. am fairly convinced that that, indeed, is my own. it had better be because i've told everyone i'm staying. anyway, jan and i called jean up to find out if she got into hc. it was
nerve wrecking waiting for her to check her results. i went back to the class bench to sit, instead of going for pe.. then i turned around and saw jan running towards me from the inner plaza.. and i knew it was jean on the line.. ran towards her.. damn, i always do that drama thing like i belong in a soap opera.. jan said 'she didn't get in'.. my world collapsed.. i was so hoping she'd join us and make everything okay again.. i think jan and i kinda clung together for a while.. and my heart felt like it had hit rock bottom in my stomach.. jan put her arm around me and i held her by the waist and we walked around and around side by side on the phone.. i couldn't understand how a 6 pointer didn't make it to hc.. then we finally hung up and jan and i left for our own classes. except i never went for pe. in the end i got so agitated wondering what was going on at the other side, i borrowed my classmate's phone and called jean to find out how she was taking it.. she was sobbing and the sound of it was heartwrenching. i wanted so much to be by her side and hug her and make everything okay, but bukit timah and upper thomson are worlds apart. in the end arranged to meet her after school to accompany her to appeal. so after school i hurried down to the wings after econs tutorial and met jan.. called jean and hurried over to st. marg's to meet her. i swear i never walked such a distance so quickly before.. she got her testimonial, we went to my place to type out a formal letter to the hc principal then went to hc to hand in the form.. i swear, she'd better get in. 6-pointer. i told my sister and she couldn't believe it.
turns out my sister had been trying to call me all day.. about 6 times.. but my phone wasn't with me so i didn't pick any of her calls up til she called again half an hour ago.. didn't know she was so anxious to know if i needed to appeal. haha.
kranji/funkyhairedgirl/theonemello'smadlyinfatuatedwith/peiyi- i don't think she went for
any lessons at all today. maybe cos her closest friend in hc's going to science and they wanted to spend the day together. well there they were, looking all morose and scaring the hell out of me.. i thought she had to leave! the class was starting to move off for lit.. and i saw she wasn't going.. and i thought, if she leaves and doesn't go for lit.. my life as i know it will come to an end.. then i made the mistake of saying it out loud.. and got dared to walk over and ask if she's staying. wonderful. i am a big fat coward. so i refused to, obviously. i can't rmb why, but i ended up going over to their bench in the end and asking siok chen if she got into science like she wanted to.. then su min asked her if she's staying.. both affirmed the positive.. then siok chen said, 'oh you're going for lit?' cos we were carrying our bags.. and i was like ' yeah, you're not?' to both of them.. and peiyi said 'oh we're not going for lit'.. and blah blah we talked for a bit. conclusion - she's either got an accent or she's very articulate as su min claims. now, i think accents are sexy! take for an example anna in van helsing which we watched during the lit lecture today. very sexy. =D but her accent isn't that sort. it isn't a cheena accent. or indian. i can't place it. i wonder if she's even singaporean. but su min claims she's just very articulate. okay. hopefully people don't think i've got an accent too, just because i don't speak in a cheena sing-song manner. strangely, she had less of an accent the last time i sat behind her listening to her bantering with her friends. i hope i don't have that intimidating effect on her that i seem to have on a number of school/classmates. i bet she doesn't even know my mother, so what's there to be scared of? conclusion - my life as i know it has only begun. at least she knows i exist now right? =D and that i'm a very random person who likes to go up to random strangers and demand to know if they are staying. or maybe -gasps- she knows i like her. ah what the hell. i feel like extending the deadline from monday to the end of next year. bleaugh.
the beginning is ending. i wonder what the next part brings. there's something missing in my heart.
it must've been love.
8:04 pm
xoxo
Monday, March 21
it's very cold right now.. as in my fingers are freezing but my brain is feverish. feel like that a lot nowadays. life goes on as it never ends. i can't believe i'm doing this to myself. going cold turkey. i went to school today telling myself to forget what it's like to be infatuated with her. then guess who i saw from the side [again] during assembly? she looked so incredibly good that my heart kinda sank a bit. literally that is impossible. but it
did hurt a lot. looking at someone and knowing you have to stop it. don't even ask why it hurts. it's not like anything happened! yet. haha. but still. ouchhh.
i'll be having pe at 8 tmr when everyone else gets their posting. wow. i need to do some stuff now that i just am too lazy to do. heh. you crazy nutcase. it wouldn't be called a crush if it wasn't meant to hurt. i wish... i could do both wrong and right at the same time.. but two wrongs don't make a right and it's time to get a grip on myself.
i do hate me.
it must've been love.
10:04 pm
xoxo
Saturday, March 19
if i can think of just one happy moment this past.. well.. month or so.. one that comes to mind is of the few minutes we spent lying on our backs, with our heads touching on the parade ground.. now i know what orion's belt looks like.. and how vast and velvety the sky is.. how touchable.. and far away..
there is no where to run, i have no place to go.. i feel so two faced sometimes. i go to church, but i'm madly infatuated with that girl and i'm not doing anything about it simply cos it's too fun. i don't know what i believe in anymore. sure there's a God. and all i've learnt tells me that he cares about us, takes care of us, is always there etc. that our sins hurt him. but my heart's all cold and empty.. and my mind is angry and cynical. i just want to lash out. i don't know what i'm mad at - that the past has become the past, or that the present is never good enough.
i hate hc. i despise it. loathe it. detest it. sure it's airier. bigger. airconditioned. filled with smart asses. but i just can't stand it! and i can't explain why i feel this way. i just
do. maybe it's bringing out a part of me i supressed previously. i don't know. i've never been a happy-go-lucky kinda kid. always that element of darkness. i don't know what i'm angry at. that i'm me, mostly. i guess. if i were someone else.. a better, smarter, happier person.. people tell me not to think too much. i don't think a lot. just enough to get by. i've let over sixteen years slip by. and nothing achieved. i am nothing. i have always been nothing. and will continue to be nothing forevermore. i am nothing. just. this person. breathing. existing. sinning.
once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a little glass bottle. it had a motherly mother who never stopped chattering away, and a fatherly father who was distant but kind. now this glass bottle looked like any other bottle. but it grew up in plasticland and slowly it began to wonder if being glass was abnormal. it saw how the plastic bottles pushed each other around playfully during games, and how they never broke. but mama bottle told it never ever to allow itself to be touched, because the plastics didn't know how to handle glass, and it might break. the little glass bottle was afraid of breaking, and thus never took part in any of the rougher games. this led to the plastic bottles making fun of it. they would surround it and taunt it when it refused to join in the games. when the little glass bottle got a little older, it decided that it had had enough of being glass. it went to see the bottle maker in the capital of the country, travelling far and wide to search out the master. ' sir, i want to be plastic. unbreakable like the rest of my townsmen. plastic.' the master looked the little glass bottle straight in the eye and replied, ' not everyone can be unbreakable. those plastic bottles paid a high price to achieve it. they used to be glass, but like you they came to me and i transformed them.' the little glass bottle grasped at that straw. ' then sir, please, i would do anything.. to be plastic.' the master smiled at it sadly, then took it into his laboratory. hours later, the little glass bottle emerged, thoroughly shaken but triumphant. the little plastic bottle [for now we must call it plastic] ran headlong into a tree. it did not shatter. but when it went into the garden, it discovered something rather odd. it had lost all its senses. no smell or taste or hearing or touch or sight. it had become plastic.
there's something missing in my heart.. show me the meaning of being lonely.
it must've been love.
12:40 am
xoxo
Friday, March 18
Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
It’s hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can’t be there where you are
There’s something missing in my heart
Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze
Guilty roads to an endless love
There’s no control
Are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can’t be there where you are
There’s something missing in my heart
There’s nowhere to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body and soul
How can it be you’re asking me to feel the things you never show
You are missing in my heart
Tell me why I can’t be there where you are
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can’t be there where you are
There’s something missing in my heart
[show me the meaning of being lonely --> bsb]
it must've been love.
12:51 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, March 16
even the days seem a little grey now. maybe it's the haze. i meant to be a good girl and finish reading up my history and maybe get at least one essay done. but oh no today had to be chores day. i will never live alone, simply because my entire house would deteriorate into a pig sty within weeks. i'd probably make tea out of the same pot for an entire year.
maybe i'm a little too high strung. maybe a bit too sensitive. but i don't want to take unfairness sitting down. hah i still remember the way i embarrassed the faint-hearted suckers of my class ie the guys by saying a lot of sarcastic things very loudly to the classes taking up too much space in lecture. luckily she wasn't there to see what i shrew i am when my rights are threatened. wait why do i even care? for obvious reasons, of course. i really want to tell her what i really think. what we really think. but i know it will achieve absolutely nothing except maybe a shouting match and perhaps my leaving in disgrace. great heavens.
my history book stares at me morosely. i stare back with a touch of resentment. he's not such a great writer you know! it's a leeeetle bit hard to comprehend what the bleep he's getting at.. his sentences are so long.. suddenly i pity all who read what i write.. i want to stand up and scream.. into the dark night.. make the air ring and throb with all the world's vented frustration. til the skies rain down drops of acid rain. kill all the living things. corrode the buildings, erode the past, burn little holes into our wasted hearts. i am less fire nowadays. no energy left to burn and destroy. less water. i refuse to budge from my worn-out little swivel-y chair. maybe more ice. i hope it's one of those things i go through every few years. if it's not, i'm going to slit my wrist and jump off a building with my bleeding hands tied behind my back. leaving a beautiful suicide note, of course, perfect in rhyming poetry. how ironic. i started out writing rather childishly lyrical poetry. now i use run-on lines.. because life runs on and on and it's so tiring, i want to take the shortcut out of this forest.. life's a treadmill.. you run on and on but you get nowhere.
i've gotta smack myself. i promise, absolutely promise to be myself on friday. i'll laugh, with no bitter undertones. i'll smile into cameras and run crazily around. i don't take pictures nowadays. before i had no problems smiling into cameras, my arm around my friends. but i realised something odd. from the start of the year, i've only taken one or two class pictures with my class. and only one more with a classmate i'm okay with. i don't take crazy random wild shots. i just hate taking pictures with them. it's like the flash of the camera steals a part of my soul away. because i'm not smiling genuinely. i refused to take a neoprint with them. they think i'm anti-social. esp when i missed jts and fac night. like i give a damn. i knew she wouldn't go, anyway. i suspect she's like me. why go somewhere you don't want to, with hordes of unknown people around you and the constant pressure of having to blend in. i admit i'm eccentric. van's right. we were so protected in 4/6. i don't mind being protected somehow. ignorance is bliss. we were so happy. and now i can never be. i tried to open up to them. but how do you open up to others who simply don't have the capacity to understand? right now the nunnery's very appealing.
it must've been love.
8:27 pm
xoxo
Sunday, March 13
reading my old posts made me really sad. i mean those from last year. where did the other side of me go? i don't want to be cranky and disillusioned at seventeen. watching birds fly past my window.. skimming the water with their wings.. and all i can do is watch the sky.
i don't want to be obsessed with the past, but there's nothing to look forward to.. i don't want to cry every time i think of what used to be, and what never can. i can't remember being this miserable. this may or may not be related to my goldfish memory. bev claims she has evidence in the form of letters of my going through an identity crisis in lower sec.. but i was never miserable! just bipolar. haha. i had you guys to hold me up when i was down. sure, we're still friends but it isn't the same! jean, thanks for calling me on friday when math ended early.. it really made a difference to my boring red hc life to talk to you in the middle of the day. but it's not like you were right by me. not like in the past. now we're a phone call, a message away, but in the past we were right by each other! i see jan from afar sometimes. although we still talk every morning. but she isn't there every breathing moment. does that make sense? my hp bill must have reached the sky already. chris has gone already. don't know how she's doing, she hasn't replied my email.. guess her connection's down.. i miss gen.. i wanna poke her.. make her glare like an angry hammie.. i miss eating mee soto on cold days.. i miss teasing dilly about her prata.. now everything is a dull dried-blood kind of red.. everything that used to be green.. is now red.. and you know how much i dislike the colour. even the doors are bloody red. red: hatred, violence, anger, fear, blood.. all things detestable. i stare at the redness in class and wonder where the freshness, the vitality of green went..
shit i'm all sad again. i'm only happy when you're around. my inner well of peace went dry. i don't know what to do when my heart feels heavy and i have trouble breathing. my tutor said spirits like to try to come into a person when she's down or sad. well the spirits have about two whole years to possess me then. but i just laughed when i heard it, because i know God is here with me. yet sometimes at the back of my mind i see a daggar, a raised hand. i see myself plunging it viciously into the class bench. i see it leave its mark. i feel like stabbing things a lot nowadays. i want to damage things in the building i am forced to call my temporary learning environment. i want to scar it, make it imperfect, and shout to the world, behind this red lies a black. i want to scrape the red paint away and reveal the darkness behind it. this is crazy. behind the red paint probably lies an iron door. and the benches are brown. but still. i want to ruin its seemingly perfect facade. everyone says oh you're so lucky to be in hc.. i know in their hearts they probably sneer at the fact i'm in arts, thinking i chose the stream to remain in the school. what a joke. but you see they don't know. i feel the pressing need to dash that image. smash the pretty little glass figurine. my mum knows i hate it. whenever i go back to st marg's, i tell her i'm going to school. and she says your ex-school, you mean. but no. i always say my school. hc is my 'temporary learning environment'. i shall resist its evil chinese ways. red. the colour of blood. the colour i detest. give me green any day.
and bahhh i just realised i did it again. get all cynical. what happened to my cheery self? shucks. i was never cheery. but at least i was bipolar. only you can get me high now. and my sugar rush.
and all i can do is watch the sky.. j'aime et j'espere
it must've been love.
10:26 pm
xoxo
making strange comparisons. unfair ones at that. i don't know what i'm doing. if i'm trying to get even with someone.. or if that someone is me.. torturing myself.. needlessly?
i don't want to say goodbye yet. but it's so late. the selfish part of me wants you to stay, to wait another year. but you said it yourself. ballerinas have shelf lives. a year could make a difference.. i only hope things happen for the best. but they always do. God has his reasons. even for letting us have all these crazy infatuations that spell out teenagehood. i hope you dance your best. i hope you enjoy yourself...
i could spend hours playing scenarios out in my head. word for word. i think about what i could have said yesterday. i think about the past, the present, the future, and what a messed up kid i am. sorry if i messed anyone up. i know i did. i hope i won't. not anymore. i didn't mean to. i was just being me.
i don't know what to do. how high we fly, only to fall so low.
it must've been love.
12:27 am
xoxo
Thursday, March 10
today's been bittersweet. it was sweet til i got home anyway.
followed my class into the fish tank.. and guess who was there.. then we kept walking past each other.. cos my group had to present our econs project to some visiting hods from other schs.. so we were at the bench during her break.. and i saw her from the canteen sitting sideways at her bench in a very ungirly manner.. looked up while walking in the inner plaza to lit and realised that she was right in front of me.. sort of, on the level above us in block a.. my friends 'chose wisely' again and i sat behind her again.. this time i didn't drop anything accidentally or not.. poked her friend [ i know her from ya] and said eh sorry i forgot your name again [i always do].. and she laughed and said 'just call her ben4 dan4'.. and her friend went ooii! and i just laughed and found out her name [again] and talked about ya stuff.. then she asked what we were talking abt and her friend said 'guides'.. then i was grumbling to my friends how the toilet hates me.. everytime i want to use it, it's either locked, being washed, or crowded.. and when i went, sure enough it was crowded.. she played some squares game with her classmates.. she changed her pencil case.. it's now a dark blue thirty seven degrees case that i like very much and would have chosen for myself.. haha.. after lit she walked behind me to her classroom a floor above mine. guess she definitely knows i exist now, since she looked straight at me and smiled and laughed and listened while we talked. but tmr we only have math lecture together and she sits at the other end. so i guess this marks the end of a good week in terms of my oh so interesting extra curricular activity. oh. yesterday, i said i hate football. as we were packing up after hist. and that during football season the tomboys don't pay me any attention. and she turned and stared at me. then i suddenly remembered she's in female soccer. oops. haha. like i meant the last bit larh. it was just for fun laughter peace and joy.
my grandma's condition's getting worse.. my mum told me after i left her eyes rolled up.. they're expecting it anytime soon.. i was standing there by the hospital bed.. and all i could think of was.. she's so small, so shrunken.. and i thought of brat. know it's damned inappropriate but i remembered how brat was when he passed away. so small and shrunken and frail. she had so many layers on.. saw her struggling to breathe.. and i wanted to ask, are you cold? but i don't speak cantonese. she thought i was michelle. she asked how i was doing. suddenly i miss pushing her around on her wheelchair. i miss her teasing my father although they can't understand each other. it could be anytime soon. i don't know.
it must've been love.
10:05 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, March 9
well. to sum up today, i was late for history lecture, sat behind her, said smth stupid in front of her and thus caused her to stare strangely at me, played bingo during econs and lost 10/10 games in 1 hour, visited my grandma at the hospital, came home and slept til about half an hour ago. basically, i'm a stupid creature. with a big mouth. cos i made a not-funny joke that made me sound egoistical and attention seeking in front of her. and she's from a mixed sch so she wouldn't know i didnt mean a single thing, according to my mixed-sch friend. i am so dead.
it must've been love.
9:24 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, March 8
this is really just for me to rant.. don't bother reading since i've probably said it all already.. but it's nice to write it out of my system. for the sake of my sanity.
i had a dream last night that she'd return to school after being absent since friday.. haha. seriously. then when i got to school and went for assembly.. i didn't see her and i was all sad and arghh stupid dream.. then just before the command for attention was given, i turned to my right and saw her.. and it was exactly the way i'd first seen her. from the side. and i suddenly got the chills [i forgot my jacket] and i started whispering oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh to su min who was in front of me.. and her hair looked nice today!! i think she cut it. yay!! =D oh no this sounds damned bad but i don't care i'm going crazy in hc. anyhow.. then we went for lit lecture! and just before we went in, i whispered to my friends to 'choose wisely'.. and they didn't let me down.. hahaha. they sat directly behind her friends so that i'd be sitting right behind her =D the best 1hr20mins of lit i've ever had man.. i noticed a few things about her.. 1. she's got a few strands of grey hair. 2. she's buddhist. i saw the yellow string band around her wrist. 3. she lost her lit notes too. ah hahaha. 4. she doesn't talk in lecture. *stares* i can't resist adding little sarcastic comments! how can anyone be so quiet.. well once or twice she whispered to her friend. not like the other lit lecture when she threw something down her friend's back and made her screech in the middle of class. 5. she's
very helpful. i was taking my stuff out of my bag and my water bottle rolled out.. and down.. towards her.. and i was all oh shit oh shit oh shit [quietly of course].. and she just leant over and picked it up and handed it to me laughing.. the girls keep asking if our fingers touched.. *rolls eyes* you know how long the bottle is? she held one end and i held the other end larh. haha. i was so scared to drop more things and make her think i was doing it on purpose to get her to turn around. so. yeah. then after lecture.. i was walking down the stairs and she was talking to my ct rep.. at the door.. and she turned and looked straight at me. was kinda worried aman was telling her about me. then she walked with aman and a few of our friends and me to our econs tutorial.. it was so weird, all her friends had gone but she was still walking with aman [very slowly, cos i set the pace =D] behind us.. but before that we were kinda talking as a whole big group.. and nope she's
not cheena. =D quite articulate, really. then.. after school, i was eating in the canteen and she was talking somewhere behind me.. then she left first. when i went to the bus stop, i saw her catch the bus and board it.. pretty saddening, cos it meant that i'd missed my bus too. :( and the chance to sit with her on the bus and maybe talk about aman [the common topic]. haha. aman just told me she found out she's a karate black belt. like hello i knew that long ago! ah hahaha. too damned attractive. damnit. i have to stop. if i sit behind her during history tmr it'll be too obvious. :( at least i had a lot of fun staring at her hair today. hahaha.
i swear, i was never this crazy. never. never. never. until she came along in the oh-so-boring hc on the first day of school with her funky hair and nice side profile. damnit. but i must admit this is more fun than i'd ever have thought =D see now i have a reason to go to school. to go for lectures. not to drop any subject. after i'm over her and have graduated, i'll thank her. =D my friends think it's all a big fat joke. guess what, it is. in a way. but in a way it's a joke gone wrong. it started as a joke. but our minds are too powerful to be controlled. i should have kept a tight rein on the situation but it was too fun. so this is the way it's gonna be i guess. hope she's not homophobic. i wonder what the yellow string means.
it must've been love.
7:59 pm
xoxo
Sunday, March 6
heya sweeties. been so busy! got home at midnight last night. or this morning. whichever is applicable. talentime was fine, more like a chinese pop concert.. -shrugs- might as well just used to oh-so-cheena hc huh, since i plan to stay on. went to kap with a few classmates after that. i'm trying to be more sociable, maybe things will get better soon.. everything was fine until the rv ah-lian lookalike told me a senior said i look filipino. i am lost for words. except maybe.. not again?!?! yeah. turns out my classmate's half korean! isn't that cool? he can speak korean.. the girls say he looks korean, but since the only korean i ever took notice of is won bin, i can't tell.. leaving for the r&j play in a bit. not a
scrap of hwk done. i must be suicidal. out all weekend with a ton of hwk. my infamous 2000 word siam essay, and a few units of econs tys. yet here i am going off for some play. i know it sounds arty farty, but i
do take arts and maybe that's who i really am? i don't know. i used to be interested in science. but maybe that was just my upbringing.. my parents' interests rubbing off on me. maybe deep inside this is who i really am. but everyone says it's strange for me as a triple science single humance student to be doing arts. especially as my sciences were distinctions. i don't know. my chinese tutor can't get over my results. i've been failing chinese and she thought it's the same for all my subjects.. her exact words [as translated in english] are: 'but all you ever do is listen to music, sleep and have headaches! you never study! i can't believe you did better than genevieve!' when i told my mum she laughed and laughed and said it's pretty accurate, the slacking and headaches bit. sigh. urgh. speaking of the devil. my mum just called and told me to tidy my room. everyone, biggg sigh please!
i'm thinking about someone.. as usual. i had such a scare on friday when she didn't come to school and su min told me she overheard her talking about rj. arghhh. i was totally freaking out. really. no eyecandy, no distractions.. a horrible friday except i had no aocl class so i dropped by st marg's before dinner. then last night i heard she wants to stay, but isn't sure she can. wahaha. okay now
i'm scared. we got the same points. if she can't stay, i can't. maybe we'll go to nj together? ah hahaha. dream on. she can deduct 4 bonus points if she passes hcl. don't know about that. but i have only 2 outside of hc and sa. bleaugh. i kinda want to stay? it's convenient. cheena, yes, but which school isn't nowadays? i suspect some st marg's girls speak chinese or at least cheena singlish nowadays! tskkk. i'm an english-tea elitist, so what?
kinda excited about r&j =D it's an open air standing kinda play, to create a victorian atmosphere. which is fine except this is sunny and drippy singapore.. and i'm a lazy bum with a migraine starting already and my hwk hanging over my head.
it must've been love.
3:40 pm
xoxo
Thursday, March 3
No Secrets - I'll Remember You LyricsIt has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always
You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything
I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we
cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways
You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything
I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you
I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
Forever baby, I'll remember you
it must've been love.
9:26 pm
xoxo
| Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male |
Your brain leans female
You think with your heart, not your head
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you! |
7:42 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, March 1
i guess my mum's right. i'll just stay in my class, in my school. yeah. i'm going crazy. she's always there. always. tell me why!
it must've been love.
10:02 pm
xoxo
